Mantra.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Believe that you're really in peace with yourself. With your life. With what it has to offer to you. Forget about what's missing. It's just an illusion. You got everything you need. And even more. Breathe in. Breathe out. Concentrate on your chest coming up and down. Think about all the blood floating in your veins. Look outside of the window. See how the sun is shining. How the trees are moving to the sound of life. Hear the birds singing their freedom. I know you might think it's too easy to be true. But that's all it takes to be now and here. To draw a smile on your face, on your own. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take a seocond to forget all what's on your mind. And just think about you being here, in this moment, in your body, in this place, in this planet, in this world. One among billions of others but oh so beautiful and unique. Believe me. Breathe in. Breathe out. Smile and go on.

The most important and fascinating subject of research nowadays might be most probably WE, humans. Yes me, you and them became such a complex creation that no one is able to exactly define us. What type of creature have we become? Monsters or the biggest victims of history?

We get headaches, sleepless, and other types of mental sickness just because we're trying to get an ounce of what's going on in here. I could sometimes smell my brain burning from going deep inside thoughts I thought no one else could reach. But since then I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. 

The funny thing is, no matter what the first question was, no matter who your thoughts went to, you always end up with the same conclusion: who the hell knows. 

I wish I did. I wish I'd stop wishing for that. 

Dito.

I think that at some point I just forbidded myself to write. Mostly because I saw how it actually wasn't really helping me to clear my mind. Ganz im Gegenteil hat es mich dazu gebracht, mich weiter in meinem geistigen Chaos zu verlaufen. Doch habe ich immer das Gefühl, dass es ein Bedürfnis ist. War, ist und wird es bleiben. Die einzige Art und Weise, oder besser gesagt die beste, um Ordnung in meinem Gedächtnis hervorzurufen. Das widerspricht sich zwar alles aber ich kann es nicht wirklich besser äußern.

18.05.2016
Is this about to happen again? Waking up with this unwanted thing in your stomach. It feels like it's about to explode at any time. I try to breathe normally. And then I realise I just woke up. Actually I didnt really sleep the whole night. A part of me was waiting and hoping the whole night. What a pitty. But we all know it will never change. A thought crosses my mind. If its the right love, it's not supposed to feel that bad. I woke up and it felt so bad. Emptiness. Sadness. Darkness. When will I give up on those useless feelings? I still can't breathe normally. I'm punishing myself for believing in something good. What if this was the biggest sin of our century?

My thoughts and feelings will create my perception.
As simple as it sounds, we tend to forget this truth. And how powerful we can feel, as soon as we start to apply it. Take things as they are. Overthinkers problem is the distortion of what is. Because of overthinking every detail, every decision, every fact or every hidden fact, they end up creating tons of parallel realities. And finish by getting lost in the middle of nowhere, wondering how they're gonna success to get back to where they started from. And where did they start actually? At the moment when they decided that they have to keep control over everything, It means also over the truth. And that's one of the most dangerous thing to try to do. What you think you are able to control, ends up controlling you. The circle is round.

Nausea.

I hope one day you'll know what you've missed. I hope one day you'll remember how much truth and beauty you just threw away. I hope one day I'll just smile again when I'll remember some of those moments we shared. I wish you, despite of everything, that you'll learn one day how to love. To just love without any excuse, any other thought. You told me once you've never been crazy in love and I felt so sorry for you. I actually couldn't believe you, And some part of me still thinks that there's a big war inside of you. Something is keeping you so tight from letting your feelings flourish the way they should. And this is so sad. You know I believed in you, the way I believed in every human being that came to my life. I wonder if you understand what that means. How could you just ... Whatever. I can't wait to feel in peace again. I hate hating on someone. But I still need some time to get over it. You came and left so fast. But I don't regret any second from this ride. I wonder how you see this. I wonder who you are. 

Nouveau chapitre.

Ne rien écrire. D'aucune façon. Seulement agir.

Tuer le père qui ne tuera jamais la mère.