Dito.

I think that at some point I just forbidded myself to write. Mostly because I saw how it actually wasn't really helping me to clear my mind. Ganz im Gegenteil hat es mich dazu gebracht, mich weiter in meinem geistigen Chaos zu verlaufen. Doch habe ich immer das Gefühl, dass es ein Bedürfnis ist. War, ist und wird es bleiben. Die einzige Art und Weise, oder besser gesagt die beste, um Ordnung in meinem Gedächtnis hervorzurufen. Das widerspricht sich zwar alles aber ich kann es nicht wirklich besser äußern.

18.05.2016
Is this about to happen again? Waking up with this unwanted thing in your stomach. It feels like it's about to explode at any time. I try to breathe normally. And then I realise I just woke up. Actually I didnt really sleep the whole night. A part of me was waiting and hoping the whole night. What a pitty. But we all know it will never change. A thought crosses my mind. If its the right love, it's not supposed to feel that bad. I woke up and it felt so bad. Emptiness. Sadness. Darkness. When will I give up on those useless feelings? I still can't breathe normally. I'm punishing myself for believing in something good. What if this was the biggest sin of our century?